trying 2 be stronger for you



eating: nothing
drinking: diet coke
watching: dancemania SPEED best 2001
reading: i have a bed made of buttermilk pancakes by jaclyn moriarty

i'm tired of working... i hope you're doing well ^_^

i've been exercising more lately and it's nice but unfortunately it's making me really sleep deprived ~_~ because i have to stay up late in to the morning to make it to the gym. life is boring sometimes...

if you read this, do you have any suggestions for stuff i should add to my website? i'm not feeling that creative lately but i've been in the mood to add something. i can't believe hydrangea garden has 17,293 views. thanks for coming to visit my little corner of the web. ^_^;; it means a lot.

happy mania

??? i just noticed i didn't put the right date idk when this was written lol


eating: peanut m&ms
drinking: diet coke
watching: SOPHIE - HARD
reading: gonna re-read pink by kyoko okazaki before i dive in to my latest thriftbooks order

hi, neocities. ^_^ i don't have much to say but i thought i should add an entry since i haven't made one in a while. i'm doing ok lately. having a full-time job has required a lot of adjustment and i guess i'm used to it now but i don't know if i'll ever get over how boring it is. i've been reading a lot since i can bring books to my job.

my tax refund came and it was also payday!! i was planning on doing something fun with my bf but he had a headache so i took myself out on a date this evening. i went shopping and bought (probably too much) new manga, some t shirts, and a few crafting supplies. i've been feeling lonely lately since working night shift makes it hard keeping in touch with people but i'm starting to get better in touch with hanging out alone. it's kind of liberating that i can do whatever i want and be self-indulgent without feeling like i'm holding anyone up. i just love walking along and feeling a breeze while i think my silly thoughts...

my kinda anticlimactic return to neocities



eating: nothing
drinking: green tea
watching: listening to the cd ver. of happy rave '95 - one of my all time favorite mixes that i lost the physical copy of forever. my bf surprised me with a copy today as an early birthday gift!!
reading: nothing

i haven't posted in a while because i've been way busy and not feeling that motivated to work on my site. thanks for everyone who has checked me out even though i don't update that often. ^_^ it always puts me in a good mood when someone leaves a nice comment or if i see that someone added my button.

my life has been hectic for a few weeks because i've been going to a lot of job interviews which felt good but exhausts me. but then... *drumroll* i finally got offered something!!! that lead to another period of even more hectic-ness because i was trying to put in time at both and my old job was really mad that i had to leave. i'm so glad to put it past me now, i worked my first full day today. it feels really weird to be surrounded by complete strangers and kind of having to depend on them to show me what to do. it's nervewracking having to relearn the processes and policy of something totally new. but hopefully this next two weeks or so will go by and i can chill out a bit when management stops breathing down my neck lol. i can't even explain how relieved i feel that i found something full time, and it's even a small raise from my last job. the last two years weren't a total waste.

i'm planning on doing some updates on my site as soon as possible. i've missed neocities. =)

we don't need anything in our secret world



eating: nothing
drinking: nothing
watching: kavinsky - nightcall
reading: just finished this is how it always is by laurie frankel

hi, neocities. i haven't made a blog post in a while so i thought i would give it a shot to see if writing things out would help me. beware of stream of consciousness stuff that i probably won't bother to proofread.

i feel kind of stuck in life at the moment. i recently got promoted to keyholder at my job and i'm not excited at all. i'm actually fervently looking for something better and i'm putting all my energy in to hoping i get this job i applied for at a hotel in the city. it would be a total jerk move to leave right after i accepted a promotion but idk. i can't really work in retail forever and i'm so anxious to start my life. if there's a lesson i've learned over the years, it's that there's not a thing i can do that will magically make my life happy and easy but i think getting full time work would impact the structure of my life in a big way that might help me a lot. i hate the way capitalism has structured things but i don't feel strong enough to do much about it because it's so much bigger than me i guess? so be that as it may, I WANT MONEY!!!!! there's a lot of taurus in my chart, i can never kill the part of me that desires material goods and money is the way.

i finished this is how it always is by laurie frankel recently and honestly i didn't think it was good. it was ok to read but there were several things i found offputting about it and i wasn't a fan of how overly descriptive it tended to be. i'm not sure what i wanna read next.

one day i'm gonna have money and health insurance, be super hot and in love with my bf, and live somewhere cool with lots of opportunity to do fun stuff. i've been dreaming about living in the desert lately. i've never been to the southwest but i bet it would be beautiful.

in every lovely summer's day



eating: nothing
drinking: diet coke
watching: billie holiday - i'll be seeing you
reading: once is not enough - jacqueline susann

everything is a blur lately. my closest family member, my grandma has been undergoing treatment for cancer for the past year and a half or so and she passed away this week while she was supposed to be on a beach vacation with me, my bf, and other family members. the younger people went on the vacation because we knew it was what she would have wanted us to do and it was spiritually uplifting in some ways but i felt guilty, too. i feel really lost right now...

she'll always be with me.




eating: carbohydrates!!
drinking: water
watching: bandana - llega la noche
reading: i am not myself these days - josh kilmer-purcell

lots of my thriftbooks came in and i cheated a bit and started reading them before my beach trip lol~ i finished snuff (spoilers ahead?) and i have to say i wasn't really a fan. i thought it was excessively gruesome and the twist at the end was too predictable. i'm feeling a little regretful that i bought so much palahniuk but i'm hoping i like some of them as much as i liked invisible monsters. i also packed the rest of happy mania, i only have two volumes left and after a short break i'm sooo ready to find out how it ends. ^_^

i unexpectedly got the whole weekend off leading up to going to the beach with my mom tomorrow and i spent the weekend cleaning up my house and making a quilt. i tried a new way of doing the binding and would have finished it if i hadn't broken a machine needle. i improvised all the piecing and wanted to try out tying it instead of normal quilting because i thought it would be a good project to bring with to my next holiday with my grandma and family. also, i tried last night to make basting spray using this article and it tooootally didn't work! i'm not sure what i did wrong, lol.

my bf and i left the ketogenic diet today!! it wasn't really working for my purposes anymore so we ate a yummy breakfast that included some grits. i'm still hoping to lose a few more pounds.

gotta wake up at 4 am tomorrow to leave for the beach, i hope you have a good day!

dreaming of donuts



eating: nothing
drinking: green tea
watching: billie holiday - i'll be seeing you
reading: waiting for my thriftbooks order so i can read !!

my life is in one of those phases where nothing is really happening but i'm always feeling out of energy and overwhelmed. i opened up my availability at work in hopes of getting more hours and becoming more comfortable with driving but it sucks tbh. i'm also trying to seriously slim down the amount of material objects i own because that only seems to make my anxiety worse. i'm going to the gym most days now, too.

i watched the wedding singer kinda recently. even though it's totally a corny movie drew barrymore's character always leaves a big impression on me. i wish i came across like her to other people.

i also made a goodreads account that i'm hoping to actually utilize. i'm still working on updating it a bit but maybe it'll be easier to keep up with than a media log on here or in a journal?

recent purchase:
- the pervert by michelle perez and remy boydell
- the bell jar by sylvia plath
- diary by chuck palahniuk
- snuff by chuck palahniuk
- haunted by chuck palahniuk
- choke by chuck palahniuk
- i am not myself these days - josh kilmer-purcell
- the portrait of an addict as a young man by bill clegg
- once is not enough by jaqueline susann

you would think i'm a chuck palahniuk fan or something but i mostly stocked up because i've been wanting to re-read invisible monsters (the only palahniuk i've read before) but i wanted to force myself to branch out. i get a feeling his style might get old after a while but i'm happy to have stocked up for an upcoming trip with my mom to the beach.

well... this was rambly and had no direction, haha. sorry i haven't put together any new stuff for the page. i hope one of these days i'll have the downtime to work on something.

♫ what i like about u baby is how u annoy me daily ♫ (random musings)



eating: nothing
drinking: water
watching: no doubt - trapped in a box
reading: azumanga daioh vol. 4

hi. i just felt like writing a little blog today to get some stuff off my chest. i don't think anyone reads these anyway but feel free to ignore this one especially lol.

today was pretty good, i didn't do much at all which i've grown to kind of like lately. i usually get kind of stressed out with free time and feel obligated to stay busy by compulsively cleaning and things like that. i've been feeling kind of burned out lately... spiritually, mentally, physically... i think it's probably a good sign in the long run that i let myself relax a bit today and not get down on myself for not being productive. my azumanga daioh fan page is looking pretty good and working on that actually got me feeling so emotional about the series that i re-read the majority of it today. i also FINALLY figured out a way to embed music on a page which i added to my acnl town page and my alien fan page. i doubt most people want to use it anyway but it gives webpages such an old school feel!!

anyway... enough about the specifics of my day. what i really wanted to write about is having that fucking burned out feeling! i really hate feeling like this. and knowing that other people feel like this. i think probably the majority of people my age feel burned out a lot of the time and i'm sure it's a result of all the pressure people put on themselves. that's how i feel at least. i have a college degree and the way my parents see it, there's really nothing standing in my way of getting this fabulous job that pays a million dollars a year or whatever, but it's just not the case. they don't seem to understand how different things are now compared to when they were in their 20's. it's not a fun thing to admit and i always feel like i'm inadequate but the truth is i'm doing FINE for someone my age. i have somewhere to live, i found love, i manage to pay bills mostly on time, and i only have a few hundred bucks in credit card debt. i don't know why i put so much pressure on myself and feel like shit that i can't get a better job when i honestly don't care. at times, i would rather keep looking for side gigs and stuff and actually have time to enjoy my life.

i've accumulated a little bit of savings and i know i should be responsible and keep it in my savings but i think i'm going to treat myself some time soon. consumption is no way to fill the void but whatever lol. my bf and i are going to do something fun this friday so maybe that will cheer me up.

last minute kitchen makeover



eating: nothing
drinking: water
reading: happy mania (kinda... taking a small break)

last night i was in a mood so i decided to channel it in to cleaning my kitchen. i was scrubbing the counters and lost control of the situation and before i knew it i was painting the walls, lol. the kitchen is the last room in my house to be redecorated as my house was just my bf's before and he doesn't care for things to look nice. the house is over 100 years old so many things about it are outdated and not very stylish but i think i'll feel better once it at least looks polished.

i was up until midnight painting what i could with just a brush. woke up this morning at 6 am (to a disoriented bf who didn't know i had moved the kitchen around to paint overnight) and got back to work. since i've been waiting for him to come home from work with a roller to paint, i deep cleaned every other room of the house and got everything prepared.

i think this extra energy might be from the keto diet which i think i'm finally adapted to. i haven't been feeling very hungry most of the time and i think my mind has been a bit sharper but it's only been two weeks or so.

what i've been up to



eating: lettuce wrap sandwiches
drinking: black cherry sparkling water
watching: lenna paytas mukbangs on youtube
reading: happy mania

it's my day off today so i thought it would be a good occasion to start this blog! i've been feeling too busy lately even though i don't actually have anything going on... last friday i hung out with my friend and we just chilled out in the city and went to a park. it was nice to see them. then i worked for two days and then visited another friend in the city on monday. that was fun, too!! we went shopping in an area i used to love in high school. i tried rlly hard to not spend money but unfortunately (or fortunately lol) i found some irresistable stuff. i finally found a copy of boys club by matt furie after looking for years. i had no idea it was in print, i believe it said published in 2016. i also got a cd compilation of 90s techno music that i'm looking forward to listening to in the car. yesterday me and bf took my gram out for lunch and then to get her nails done which was nice. in the evening, we saw deadpool 2 and ate chicken wings~!! i didn't care much for deadpool but it was still a fun date night.

at the moment i'm doing the ketogenic diet and that's been kind of interesting to get used to. i've been dieting by calorie counting since the beginning of this year so i think because i'm quite used to a restrictive diet. i haven't been having too many problems with wanting to eat carbs, it's just a pain making sure nothing has too much. i'm hoping the side effects will go away soon.

as for today, i made some chalkboards with hand lettering for my mom in hopes that i can turn it in to a side job. now it's just time to relaaaax for the rest of the day and work on my little site!